Jeff: Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our war around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other’s mouths. They get right down to brass tacks. Blehh! ‘Which way’s the picnic?’ Blehh! ‘That way’. Humans are more evolved. We lie.
Abed: Not all the time.
Jeff: That’s a lie.
Abed: We don’t lie when we’re alone.
Jeff: Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.
Abed: How’s it even possible to lie when you’re alone?
Jeff: You can call a phone- sex line. That’s lying to yourself.
Abed: No, that’s just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.
Jeff: What if you’re dishonest about why you’re lonely? What if you’re a good-looking guy who calls a phone-sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she’s attracted to him anyway?
Abed: I don’t believe that happens.
Jeff: Wrong. That’s me. I did that last week.
Abed: Why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you’re fat?
Jeff: Because I’m scared if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that’s feels good to admit. Abed, the point being…(he drowns his blackberry in a glass of water) The point being, you don’t have to worry about being normal or…or real or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place full of sick, sick people. Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone else?
Jeff: And I said ‘No, that’s a girl costume’. And my mom said ‘It’s fine. Indian boys have long hair and braids too’. There was only 45 minutes left to trick-or-treat, so what could I do? I put the damn thing on and I went door-to-door. And everyone was going, ‘Oh, what a pretty little girl’. And by the third house…I stopped correcting them! I mean, why draw attention to it? And, honestly, once the same and the fear wore off…I was just glad they thought I was pretty.